If each Portland neighborhood was a âpersonâ and they were at a house party, what would each âpersonâ be doing? 
That was the question Reddit user u/tkallgren23 asked in the Reddit channel, r/Portland. Now, if youâve hesitated going on Reddit, because, well, why? – or you’ve kept putting it off for one reason or another – then you are missing out on some of the best of the best of Portland. Whether youâve lived in Portland all your life, or for just a few years, or youâve just moved here, or youâre thinking of moving here, or maybe you’ve moved across town to a new neighborhood, we highly recommend joining the Subreddit r/Portland. The comments below are just some of the reasons why (and proof that Portlanders are very f’ing đ funny).
Question: Letâs pretend every neighborhood in Portland is a person at a huge house party. What is each âpersonâ doing?
Below are just some of the comments:
Reed is drinking red wine asking people for advice on landscape lighting so she can really make her mid century modern pop.
_DarkOverlord
Sherwood flat out denies it consistently drives 30 mph in the fast lane.
Nikkorkat
Beaverton is so stoked to be here in the city! Itâs been awhile! But they keep asking everyone what time it is so they donât miss the last MAX home.
sweetjoyness
Parkrose is leaving because they werenât invited.
Why-are-we-here-7
Irvington wonât stop telling you about their semester abroad even though theyâre now in their 40s and always talk about how they plan on moving to Europe for a better life
ninjacustodianpdx
Sunnyside out here just petting the cat while people wander in looking for a keg
G_Liddell
Belmont brought a pot of soup that no one wants to eat because it’s soup.
Mattybgcg
NW is that slurring drunk Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With
FreshyFresh
Industrial inner SE has appointed himself operator of the keg so that he can trap anyone who wants a beer into conversations about his obscure hobbies.
TheBaddestPatsy
Woodstock is injecting themselves into every conversation to name-drop their friend Reed and how close they are to Reed, stating âWeâre practically the same personâ
DefinitelyMaybeBeige
Rockwood just fired a bunch of gunshots into the air while shouting âHAPPY NEW YR!â Itâs January 27. And a Thursday.
Due_Cat_161
Overlook is smashed on Hammâs trying to fight an Adidas employee (whoâs actually from West Linn but tagged along with Beaumont-Wilshire) for street-parking their Tesla Model Y a foot into what is clearly Overlookâs driveway. Donât worry, itâs being filmed by two youths in a trench coat and Maggie Vespa will actually have a segment on it on tomorrowâs episode of The Story.
SEXUALxTYRANNOSAURUS
Swan Island rolled up in a Subaru with no plates and is pulling an empty boat trailer. Theyâre wearing a trucker hat that looks like it was found in the street and theyâre asking everyone odd questions about locking fuel caps.
djjangelo
Cully sure has changed since I knew her as a trailer park slut 20 years ago. Does she still have the Aerosmith logo tramp stamp?
KittyCal
Alameda is that tall person that is always standing in front of you when you are trying to see what’s going on.
SuspiciousChicken
Hawthorne is concerned that he had a bad trip because people heâs never met before keep calling him âSunnysideâ and âRichmond.â
MossHops
Buckman shows up immediately pounds 5 beers and spends the night in the kitchen yelling at people in line for the bathroom about âold portlandâ, then pees in the driveway and stumbles home
Bon-rat
Hollywood brought Sushi and is now going through your movie collection and asking why you donât have 2001 on Blu-ray.
Overnoutct
Bethany has to leave the party already because itâs an hour drive each way and they only hired the sitter for 3 hours.
aggieotis
Gresham is a middle-aged, balding, jittery as all hell, quite robust man wearing an old, faded, and ill-fitting letterman jacket. He is desperately trying to hit on some girls that are waiting in line to use the bathroom. He is trying to regale them with stories from his high school days, telling them that he could totally have gone pro if he wanted to, but that he had to give it all up to help Papa Portland’s business expansion. He keeps scratching at his neck, his arms, and promising the girls the time of their lives if they can just spot him some money or weed. The girls keep laughing awkwardly, wondering why Rockwood, Gresham’s hobo-looking friend hasn’t come out of the bathroom yet. Rockwood, meanwhile, is possibly OD’ing on the bathroom floor.
PDXistential_Crisis
Hazelwood rolled up with a 12 of High Life, and everyoneâs like âWho the fuck invited Gresham?â
tanksndudes
Aloha brought her kids because both her old man and her mother are in jail again and she doesn’t have a babysitter, but when has that ever stopped the party?
Morticia_Marie
Pearl isnât even at the party, they havenât met anyone after moving here from California.
International_Sea670
pearl has left the chat
Youngsobe
All other neighborhoods at the party: BYE FELICIA!!!
Good_Queen_Dudley
Madison South is the invited guest thatâs accused of party crashing.
No, youâve heard of me, weâve met like five times before.
Yeah, kinda near Gateway, but not at all Gateway.
You know Rocky Butte? No, thatâs Powell Butte.
Montavilla, will you please tell these people that you know me?
pleasekillmi
Ladds Additon left because he came to the party with his wife and their ex girlfriend is with her new boyfriend and the wife kept insisting he was staring at her.
ProudMaOfaSlut
Kenton is the life of the party and keeps it going until 4 am. Only later does everyone realize heâs actually homeless and couch surfing.
polystichum3633
Sunnyside holds Happy Valley’s hair back when she vomits.
electricsister
Richmond is self consciously touching their nose a lot because they just had it done but they don’t want to talk about it.
FreshyFresh
Milwaukie, leaning up against a wall (a south wall) smoking a Yellow, casually sipping an Oregon bourbon on the rocks with a breakside ipa back, checking out the rest of you fabulous people. Youâre all so sexy. Goddamn, what a wonderful group of people, and the music is amazing.
xxxpdx
Brentwood-Darlington keeps taking “mini-naps” in the corner while Woodstock debates whether or not to hit him with the Narcan.
Mike_Rodose
Since they werenât invited, Oregon City is out in the yard talkin about their dog, last weekâs trips to Meadows, their slammed Subaru, how it handled the snow like a boss, and bumming smokes from the people coming in.
CrescentPhresh
Mt. Scott-Arleta is cruising by the party real slow in a stolen Subaru looking for catalytic converters to steal. FoPo & Lents are drag racing outside. Parkrose is lighting illegal fireworks off the roof. Brooklyn’s hogging the bathroom while complaining about it all on Nextdoor, claiming it’s triggering their PTSD and that the noise made Reed’s cat run away. Reed chimes in to quote statistics on how many birds outdoor cats kill every year.
Who_Your_Mommy
Clackamas didnât make it because Happy Valley Parked their Mercedesâ in front of his driveway
sky_42_
Mississippi is talking down to folks about how they moved here first, Brentwood is at the keg realizing they are the only born and raised Portlander at the party
Porthos503
Wood Village says they’re from Fairview, but you can tell they’re lying
FreshyFresh
Eliot just showed up. It’s probably time to call it a night.
Own_Inspector_5478
Lloyd is failing to convince everyone at the party that they’re a real neighborhood. They leave, defeated, and go to Denny’s with Buckman for a drunk-o-clock grand slam. Buckman pays. Lloyd’s bike is stolen while they’re eating, even though he took the front tire inside with him.
fragaria_ananassa
Roseway is a quiet, polite middle-aged guest who is always talking about their kid, but no one seems to know who they are or have any idea if they were invited. They keep saying hi to Rose City Park who keeps pretending theyâve never met before.
LittleBigPuss
Homie Portsmouth just threw up on the back deck then started a rumor that it was St. Johns
garbage_butfashion
Oh noes! Portland Police just showed up and are telling everyone to go home.
Scratch that, they just found out from dispatch that the party is located at the abandoned k-mart in NE and they suddenly donât have the staffing.
thresher97024
Every neighborhood, no matter who they are, is in the backyard taking turns telling the other neighborhoods that they have a better way to build a bonfire.
yellow-orange-red
Eastmoreland is calling Mom to come pick them up because Brentwood-Darlington brought drugs to the party
APC503
Montavilla wasnât invited. He was seen earlier peering into car windows but has long since nodded off in a doorway next to a single shoe that was, until very recently, engulfed in flames.
williestargell1972
Vancouver really wants to go to the party but their parents donât let them.
Spirited-Ninja2271
Piedmont texted to say they will be late. They have to take public transportation as someone has stolen their car and cut the catalytic converter. It is currently parked askew next to Farragut Park. Then we text St. John’s, who is already at the party, to see if it is even worth showing up.
RockScot007
Centennial shows up uninvited⊠complaining the whole time about being uninvited. BTW they blocked the driveway in a âborrowedâ Honda towing a jetski.
robotsvshumans
Marshall Park won’t shut up about their Tesla.
MisterSpeck
Sumner arrives and no one knows who they are or how they snagged an invite.
organizedmeat
Madison South snuck into the party knowing they were a little too old for the crowd, but they had to get away from their kids for at least one weekend or they were going to go crazy. They’re waiting for somebody to ask them about their new golf shirt, which they wore precisely to talk about their recent record score. They spend most of the party bobbing their head to the music as they people-watch and hope that tonight the hobos take the cans intentionally left out on the curb so that they wouldn’t dig through the recycling cans and throw amazon boxes everywhere
fkthisnameshit
Northeast is someone who is slowly letting themselves go, as evidenced by their lightly stained, sloppy, casual attire at the house party. Edit: And Irvington is embarrassed.
Jebrennan
Piedmont-going through your trash before pulling copper wire out of your walls and leaving early.
Lowhounder
West Linn was out walking their dog and passed the party. They waved.
AC224
The Pearl shows up late from their engineering job. They bring good booze but steal some art. It is what it is.
SnaffleHound21
Rockwood is getting arrested on the corner.
Tmuffinsnkitties
Lents didnât make it to the party, theyâre back in rehab again.
Tbrumleve
Hazelwood, guessing the caliber being licked off at 4am
35mm_
Old town is smoking fentanyl and meth in the front yard next to the tent he just pitched.
Robynavery
Sellwood comes in looking like Johnny Depp and keeps offering to go thrifting with everyone.
Succubear
Hillsdale was thrilled to finally be invited but left at 8 to go to bed.
Yes_iamacat
Powellhurst is two stepsiblings with an age gap – one is retired and the younger one will never retire. They have never met in person, and neither was invited to the party.
Messagesfromthorn
Beaverton is late to the party because they spent most of the day filing a stolen mail report after being mauled by a bobcat while trying to stop traffic on Murray for a duck crossing the road with her ducklings.
Woodland Park keeps talking to themself in the corner telling anyone who is listening that âIâm not even supposed to really be here, Iâm special, Iâm different then you people.â Everyone ignores them because theyâre weird.
LittleBigPuss
Brentwood-Darlington is pissed off the cops shut down his habitat on 82nd and Flavel and now they can’t flail out all over the middle of the street anymore. When are they gonna reopen that 711? Never.
MasterAdapter
Sabin is stressing over the rumor that her hydropark and garden are going to be the new Tubman Middle School. Where will she walk her dogs?
Greattsathoggua
Estacada rolled up in their Ford F 350 with their swastika flags and Trump 2024 signs flying. They drove up on the lawn, cut cookies until the grass bled, then peeled out and headed on down the road. Everyone at the party had to hold their ears because the muffler was so loud. They were spotted a couple of blocks down the street, pulled over so the fat dude could throw up his Coors light.
Mzrushen
Maplewood is sitting on the back deck, petting the dog, knowing that nobody there knows they exist.
Charonpdx
Marshall Park won’t shut up about their Tesla.
MisterSpeck
Clackamas poured vodka into their half empty beer and is pretending everything is fine.
Multiplebees
Sullivans Gulch and Irvington are fighting near the fire pit in the backyard. Sully tries to stab Irvington with a hypodermic needle. Irvington fires off 20+ shots, hits absolutely nothing.
A_glorious_bass-turd
Goose hollow talks much too long about how traffic really isnât bad and how easy it is to park downtown now!! Then she nervously tries to qualify why life is good but it seems like sheâs trying to convince herself
BrilliantBarber1218
NoPo is walking down the middle of the street and checking car doors on their way home at 4 am
unclegabriel
Vanport came early to help setup but ended up being continuously thrown into the swimming pool all night
calorieOrion
Boise just wants itâs stolen car back
BentleyTock
A big thank you to r/Portland for letting us share!
To read all of the comments – or just to join in the conversation – go to: r/Portland. You’ll have the best time!
Photo credit: Â Jimmy Woo
Disclaimer: some of the comments were cut down for length or tweaked for obvious errors, but for the most part, we just left this to run its course.