If each Portland neighborhood was a “person” and they were at a house party, what would each “person” be doing? That was the question Reddit user u/tkallgren23 asked in the Reddit channel, r/Portland. Now, if you’ve hesitated going on Reddit, because, well, why? – or you’ve kept putting it off for one reason or another – then you are missing out on some of the best of the best of Portland. Whether you’ve lived in Portland all your life, or for just a few years, or you’ve just moved here, or you’re thinking of moving here, or maybe you’ve moved across town to a new neighborhood, we highly recommend joining the Subreddit r/Portland. The comments below are just some of the reasons why (and proof that Portlanders are very f’ing 😂 funny).
Question: Let’s pretend every neighborhood in Portland is a person at a huge house party. What is each “person” doing?
Below are just some of the comments:
Reed is drinking red wine asking people for advice on landscape lighting so she can really make her mid century modern pop.
Sherwood flat out denies it consistently drives 30 mph in the fast lane.
Beaverton is so stoked to be here in the city! It’s been awhile! But they keep asking everyone what time it is so they don’t miss the last MAX home.
Parkrose is leaving because they weren’t invited.
Irvington won’t stop telling you about their semester abroad even though they’re now in their 40s and always talk about how they plan on moving to Europe for a better life
Sunnyside out here just petting the cat while people wander in looking for a keg
Belmont brought a pot of soup that no one wants to eat because it’s soup.
NW is that slurring drunk Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With
Industrial inner SE has appointed himself operator of the keg so that he can trap anyone who wants a beer into conversations about his obscure hobbies.
Woodstock is injecting themselves into every conversation to name-drop their friend Reed and how close they are to Reed, stating “We’re practically the same person”
Rockwood just fired a bunch of gunshots into the air while shouting “HAPPY NEW YR!” It’s January 27. And a Thursday.
Overlook is smashed on Hamm’s trying to fight an Adidas employee (who’s actually from West Linn but tagged along with Beaumont-Wilshire) for street-parking their Tesla Model Y a foot into what is clearly Overlook’s driveway. Don’t worry, it’s being filmed by two youths in a trench coat and Maggie Vespa will actually have a segment on it on tomorrow’s episode of The Story.
Swan Island rolled up in a Subaru with no plates and is pulling an empty boat trailer. They’re wearing a trucker hat that looks like it was found in the street and they’re asking everyone odd questions about locking fuel caps.
Cully sure has changed since I knew her as a trailer park slut 20 years ago. Does she still have the Aerosmith logo tramp stamp?
Alameda is that tall person that is always standing in front of you when you are trying to see what’s going on.
Hawthorne is concerned that he had a bad trip because people he’s never met before keep calling him ‘Sunnyside’ and ‘Richmond.’
Buckman shows up immediately pounds 5 beers and spends the night in the kitchen yelling at people in line for the bathroom about ‘old portland’, then pees in the driveway and stumbles home
Hollywood brought Sushi and is now going through your movie collection and asking why you don’t have 2001 on Blu-ray.
Bethany has to leave the party already because it’s an hour drive each way and they only hired the sitter for 3 hours.
Gresham is a middle-aged, balding, jittery as all hell, quite robust man wearing an old, faded, and ill-fitting letterman jacket. He is desperately trying to hit on some girls that are waiting in line to use the bathroom. He is trying to regale them with stories from his high school days, telling them that he could totally have gone pro if he wanted to, but that he had to give it all up to help Papa Portland’s business expansion. He keeps scratching at his neck, his arms, and promising the girls the time of their lives if they can just spot him some money or weed. The girls keep laughing awkwardly, wondering why Rockwood, Gresham’s hobo-looking friend hasn’t come out of the bathroom yet. Rockwood, meanwhile, is possibly OD’ing on the bathroom floor.
Hazelwood rolled up with a 12 of High Life, and everyone’s like “Who the fuck invited Gresham?”
Aloha brought her kids because both her old man and her mother are in jail again and she doesn’t have a babysitter, but when has that ever stopped the party?
Pearl isn’t even at the party, they haven’t met anyone after moving here from California.
pearl has left the chat
All other neighborhoods at the party: BYE FELICIA!!!
Madison South is the invited guest that’s accused of party crashing.
No, you’ve heard of me, we’ve met like five times before.
Yeah, kinda near Gateway, but not at all Gateway.
You know Rocky Butte? No, that’s Powell Butte.
Montavilla, will you please tell these people that you know me?
Ladds Additon left because he came to the party with his wife and their ex girlfriend is with her new boyfriend and the wife kept insisting he was staring at her.
Kenton is the life of the party and keeps it going until 4 am. Only later does everyone realize he’s actually homeless and couch surfing.
Sunnyside holds Happy Valley’s hair back when she vomits.
Richmond is self consciously touching their nose a lot because they just had it done but they don’t want to talk about it.
Milwaukie, leaning up against a wall (a south wall) smoking a Yellow, casually sipping an Oregon bourbon on the rocks with a breakside ipa back, checking out the rest of you fabulous people. You’re all so sexy. Goddamn, what a wonderful group of people, and the music is amazing.
Brentwood-Darlington keeps taking “mini-naps” in the corner while Woodstock debates whether or not to hit him with the Narcan.
Since they weren’t invited, Oregon City is out in the yard talkin about their dog, last week’s trips to Meadows, their slammed Subaru, how it handled the snow like a boss, and bumming smokes from the people coming in.
Mt. Scott-Arleta is cruising by the party real slow in a stolen Subaru looking for catalytic converters to steal. FoPo & Lents are drag racing outside. Parkrose is lighting illegal fireworks off the roof. Brooklyn’s hogging the bathroom while complaining about it all on Nextdoor, claiming it’s triggering their PTSD and that the noise made Reed’s cat run away. Reed chimes in to quote statistics on how many birds outdoor cats kill every year.
Clackamas didn’t make it because Happy Valley Parked their Mercedes’ in front of his driveway
Mississippi is talking down to folks about how they moved here first, Brentwood is at the keg realizing they are the only born and raised Portlander at the party
Wood Village says they’re from Fairview, but you can tell they’re lying
Eliot just showed up. It’s probably time to call it a night.
Lloyd is failing to convince everyone at the party that they’re a real neighborhood. They leave, defeated, and go to Denny’s with Buckman for a drunk-o-clock grand slam. Buckman pays. Lloyd’s bike is stolen while they’re eating, even though he took the front tire inside with him.
Roseway is a quiet, polite middle-aged guest who is always talking about their kid, but no one seems to know who they are or have any idea if they were invited. They keep saying hi to Rose City Park who keeps pretending they’ve never met before.
Homie Portsmouth just threw up on the back deck then started a rumor that it was St. Johns
Oh noes! Portland Police just showed up and are telling everyone to go home.
Scratch that, they just found out from dispatch that the party is located at the abandoned k-mart in NE and they suddenly don’t have the staffing.
Every neighborhood, no matter who they are, is in the backyard taking turns telling the other neighborhoods that they have a better way to build a bonfire.
Eastmoreland is calling Mom to come pick them up because Brentwood-Darlington brought drugs to the party
Montavilla wasn’t invited. He was seen earlier peering into car windows but has long since nodded off in a doorway next to a single shoe that was, until very recently, engulfed in flames.
Vancouver really wants to go to the party but their parents don’t let them.
Piedmont texted to say they will be late. They have to take public transportation as someone has stolen their car and cut the catalytic converter. It is currently parked askew next to Farragut Park. Then we text St. John’s, who is already at the party, to see if it is even worth showing up.
Centennial shows up uninvited… complaining the whole time about being uninvited. BTW they blocked the driveway in a “borrowed” Honda towing a jetski.
Marshall Park won’t shut up about their Tesla.
Sumner arrives and no one knows who they are or how they snagged an invite.
Madison South snuck into the party knowing they were a little too old for the crowd, but they had to get away from their kids for at least one weekend or they were going to go crazy. They’re waiting for somebody to ask them about their new golf shirt, which they wore precisely to talk about their recent record score. They spend most of the party bobbing their head to the music as they people-watch and hope that tonight the hobos take the cans intentionally left out on the curb so that they wouldn’t dig through the recycling cans and throw amazon boxes everywhere
Northeast is someone who is slowly letting themselves go, as evidenced by their lightly stained, sloppy, casual attire at the house party. Edit: And Irvington is embarrassed.
Piedmont-going through your trash before pulling copper wire out of your walls and leaving early.
West Linn was out walking their dog and passed the party. They waved.
The Pearl shows up late from their engineering job. They bring good booze but steal some art. It is what it is.
Rockwood is getting arrested on the corner.
Lents didn’t make it to the party, they’re back in rehab again.
Hazelwood, guessing the caliber being licked off at 4am
Old town is smoking fentanyl and meth in the front yard next to the tent he just pitched.
Sellwood comes in looking like Johnny Depp and keeps offering to go thrifting with everyone.
Hillsdale was thrilled to finally be invited but left at 8 to go to bed.
Powellhurst is two stepsiblings with an age gap – one is retired and the younger one will never retire. They have never met in person, and neither was invited to the party.
Beaverton is late to the party because they spent most of the day filing a stolen mail report after being mauled by a bobcat while trying to stop traffic on Murray for a duck crossing the road with her ducklings.
Woodland Park keeps talking to themself in the corner telling anyone who is listening that “I’m not even supposed to really be here, I’m special, I’m different then you people.” Everyone ignores them because they’re weird.
Brentwood-Darlington is pissed off the cops shut down his habitat on 82nd and Flavel and now they can’t flail out all over the middle of the street anymore. When are they gonna reopen that 711? Never.
Sabin is stressing over the rumor that her hydropark and garden are going to be the new Tubman Middle School. Where will she walk her dogs?
Estacada rolled up in their Ford F 350 with their swastika flags and Trump 2024 signs flying. They drove up on the lawn, cut cookies until the grass bled, then peeled out and headed on down the road. Everyone at the party had to hold their ears because the muffler was so loud. They were spotted a couple of blocks down the street, pulled over so the fat dude could throw up his Coors light.
Maplewood is sitting on the back deck, petting the dog, knowing that nobody there knows they exist.
Marshall Park won’t shut up about their Tesla.
Clackamas poured vodka into their half empty beer and is pretending everything is fine.
Sullivans Gulch and Irvington are fighting near the fire pit in the backyard. Sully tries to stab Irvington with a hypodermic needle. Irvington fires off 20+ shots, hits absolutely nothing.
Goose hollow talks much too long about how traffic really isn’t bad and how easy it is to park downtown now!! Then she nervously tries to qualify why life is good but it seems like she’s trying to convince herself
NoPo is walking down the middle of the street and checking car doors on their way home at 4 am
Vanport came early to help setup but ended up being continuously thrown into the swimming pool all night
Boise just wants it’s stolen car back
Photo credit: Jimmy Woo
Disclaimer: some of the comments were cut down for length or tweaked for obvious errors, but for the most part, we just left this to run its course.